CHAPTER 7

Aniah’s POV
I thought I was done telling Inah about the things that she may encounter but she opened the topic again when she saw me done eating.

“I am sorry.”

“For what?” I wiped the side of my mouth with a tissue, I eat something that has a sauce in it so it left a stain.

“For everything that I caused you. Sorry that you are here in this situation. I know that it is a hassle.”

“Thank God you know how big a hassle is this.” I tried to joke around but it did not work. I just want to break the serious sir that surrounds the both of us.

“Maybe if I am in the right state of my mind that night then maybe I am still enjoying my teenage years. Maybe if I did not get drunk that night.” She sighed. I cut her off when I realized something.

“Where are your friends when you did that with Ababa?” Like where are they? Did they notice that their friend is not by their side at that moment?

“I am not sure. I am that drunk.”

“Why did they allow you to drink that much? Do they know that that is your first time?” I am getting annoyed by what is going on inside my head right now.

“Yes, they are aware.”

“Are those the friends who brought you home last time?” She nodded.

“Did they even ask you if you got home safely the night after your first night out?” I am curious now. What really happened that night?

“Yeah, they did. And they also apologized about what happened, that they did not afford to look after me because they are also wasted that night.”

“Really?” Sarcasm can be heard in my voice. I am not satisfied with her answer but anyways it is done, I can’t do anything about it.

She did not say anything, instead, she just looked at me with her innocent eyes.

“There is a reason why this happened to you Inah. I hope you learned your lesson already. Maybe that is God’s way for you to give importance to the life you have, or maybe this is God’s way for you to be mature. Anything can be a reason so don’t stress yourself and don’t look down on yourself.”

“You did a mistake, yes. But it does not mean that you can’t be a better person after that mistake. You can always make a way to be a better version of yourself. And to tell you, not everyone is capable to bear a child.”
I tried my best to comfort her and I hope it is working.

“But how about our parents? Do you think they will have the same reaction as you? Or they will be as understanding as you?” I can sense the fear in his voice. Who will not be scared of their parents if they got pregnant at a such young age? I did not speak for a while and I let myself think about it too. I am also scared about that, I am trying to avoid that topic.

“Inah, you know how much they love you right? Maybe they will be mad at first but trust me, they will understand and accept your situation. Time is what you need. Do not rush things Inah. It will all be settled as soon as I find Ababa.”

“I am really thankful that you are here by my side. I don’t know what will I do without you.” She hugged me and I hugged her back.

“Don’t be too emotional Inah.” I rolled my eyes because she is already sobbing.

“Why the one-night stands on the books I had read is like this?” I laughed at what she said. What the fuck?

“Don’t tell me that pushed you to have a one-night stand with that man?! Aninah Cassandra?!” Like what the freaking fuck? I swear to God! I will not let my child touch non-fiction books! I will not allow them to read those kinds of things and then they will try it for fuck’s sake?!

“No, it’s not like that. But maybe there is a part of me that is expecting that he will find me after that night.” She get away from my hold and stared at her fingers.

“Did you run after that? Did you leave him?”

“Yes, I did. I got scared. It was my first time and I did it with a stranger and now I am pregnant.” I can’t blame her that her initial reaction is to run away but on the other hand, she should get at least the cellphone number or the name of the guy.

“What do you think will happen if you did not run after that night?”

“Maybe we are not here in your condo and maybe you don’t know that I am pregnant.” She slightly chuckled, maybe I am not here in this situation.

“Why did you tell me that you are pregnant? Why you did not tell your friends? Or our parents?” What if I did not go home? She will hide her pregnancy?

“You are the one here. I can’t tell my friends because I am afraid that they will judge me and of course, I cannot tell our parents because for sure they will be disappointed in me. They already set their expectations so high that I don’t know if I am still happy about the way I live. Maybe that pushed me to my limits, to get off my comfort zone and to try new things.” Is it really that hard to be a Quapenco? I know that they treat Inah better than me because she has the talent and the brain but I did not expect that she is feeling this way.

“You know the instance wherein you feel like you are a robot, because your every move, your every decision, your every action is dependent on them, it’s like you are being controlled. It’s so hard. The pressure that it gives me is so heavy to the point that I can’t take it anymore. I am guilty of what I have done that night but to be honest, that night I feel free and genuinely happy.” I sadly looked at her. Maybe I am too self-centered that I did not notice that she is also having a hard time.

I only focused on my trauma and pain that I did not notice that my little sister is also hurting. I am seeking their attention and here is my little sister having a hard time because of the attention they give to them.

“I am always seeking academic validation and it is always my best is not enough. I need to do more, to do better. It is always like that. I am tired of that setup. It is so draining and exhausting.” She started to cry and the only thing I do is hug and comfort her.

This is definitely a mistake but I know that she did not want this, she has dreams and she always aims higher than anyone. I need to be with her every step of the way. She needs someone that will support her until she can finally stand on her own. I know that this situation will be hard and painful for both of us but I know we can do it.

“It is okay not to be okay, Inah.”

***

I slowly lay Inah down on the couch, she is already asleep. It is colder than usual because Christmas is coming, I get some blankets inside her room before I went to the kitchen. I will start cooking, I will just wake her up later when I am done. This will be cheaper than ordering online, I just don’t have a choice yesterday because I am exhausted from shopping.

Two days. I am just here for two days and I feel like I already did a lot of things. I feel like, the things that I did was fit for a one-week schedule. I cannot manage my time well here in the Philippines unlike the way I can in Paris. I am only thinking about myself abroad and the time I set for my employees, unlike here where I am looking after my sister and I am watching and guiding her until she can do everything on her own.

Pork adobo is what I have decided to cook for tonight’s dinner. It is easy to cook but it is one hundred percent delicious. If you are wondering how I learn how to cook, I just watched YouTube. It is a try and tries process, of course not everything that I cook is mouth-watering and worth tasting but I am learning and improving at the same time.
While waiting for the pork to simmer, I opened my laptop and checked my supposed to be scheduled for the month. If not for Inah I will not ruin the plans that I made two months before December. I hate changing my plans and just going with the flow without any plans at the back of my head, it is not just me.

“I'm supposed to be in Palawan right now. How sad Iah.” I pitied myself. Maybe I look like a crybaby right now. With a loose t-shirt on and a messy bun while pouting. Shit. I look miserable.

“I’m supposed to be flexing my new swimsuits while relaxing under the shade of the trees. Awww.” I am moving my schedules next month and I am not sure if I will be able to take a leave from work that month but at least I am looking forward to something.

“My gosh. Why am I teary-eyed?” I bitterly laughed while wiping the tears that were formed under my eye. Maybe I am just sad because I look forward to this month because this was supposed to be my first vacation after I graduated from college.

“Aniah Carlotta, you can’t cry right now. There is always a next time.” I tried to comfort myself. I am really tired, not just because of this chaos but also because I worked continuously without break for the past years. I am twenty-five already and I have been working for three years without weekends and holidays. I am really striving to reach my goals in life.

I need to prove my point, not only to those who belittle fashion designers and those who are in the fashion industry but also to my parents. I want to prove to them that I will be successful and the path that I take is not just a path.

Promise, having a relapse is harder than moving on. There are things that can trigger your relapse, may it be a similar experience, a hurtful and painful moment, or a heart-breaking scenario to which you can relate all of your struggles. If I can hug everybody who is struggling with their mental health right now, I will. I am always looking and waiting for a hug whenever I am sad and down but no one will come and hug me. It is just me, myself, and I against the world.

I am living with a lot of what-ifs whenever I am faced with struggle. It is the what-ifs that my mom carved inside my head. What if I pursued medicine or law like what she wanted? Will our relationship improve or will I be known in that field? Will I do good there? Will I be a better version of myself or not?

There are a lot of questions that are spinning and running inside my head and I know that it will just stop when I finally become successful when I finally proved my point and I can finally say my name and my brand confidently. Not now but soon.

“Wow! That smells so good!”

“Is it okay if you prepare the table?” She nodded so I faced the pork adobo and tasted it. Of course, it tasted like pork adobo. What do you expect? That it taste like caldereta? I am not that bad of a cook.

I turn off the stove before getting a bowl where I can put the pork adobo. “Fuck.” I was startled when Inah dropped the fork and went directly to the sink to vomit.

“Why? What happened?” I asked her while I am pouring her a glass of water.

“It’s normal. Maybe because of adobo but it smelled good to me.” She also looked confused.

“Maybe the baby doesn’t like the smell of pork adobo?” Is that even possible? Now, I am curious. Can the baby inside the tummy smell? I guess not but let me check it on the internet.

“Wait, it says that the baby does react to smells and tastes. Woah.” I looked at her tummy and glared at it.

“You little creature, you are so sensitive. My adobo smelled good and you made your mom vomit, how dare you!” Inah just laughed at me. My gosh! That baby is so sensitive and dramatic.

“Can you still eat?” I hope she can because I am tired of cooking. I thought cooking at home is better and much easier but with this set up I think it is better to just order online. In that way, I will not be as tired as I am right now and she can personally pick what she wants to eat.

“Yes, I think I can still eat. Maybe it is just the baby reacting earlier. I think this baby will grow up as a dramatic and sensitive kid but I hope not. It will be enjoyable but hard at the same time.” She went directly to the seat across from me and started to put the utensils on the placemat.

“Let’s eat.” That is my cue for her to eat. I let her taste it first and waited for a few minutes for her reaction and thankfully she just smiled and nodded. I am afraid that she will vomit so I tried not to eat for the first few minutes so that I know if I should continue eating or not. Whenever I see something disgusting, I can’t eat properly and I chose not to eat because I always imagine the thing that I just saw.

We finished eating dinner at around seven in the evening and Inah said good night to me because she told me that she was already sleepy. I am the one who washed the dishes because who will do it aside from me? I don’t know if my sister knows how to wash dishes manually, she doesn’t even know how to operate a dishwasher. I mentally slapped my head because of that thought.

“Why my parents spoiled Inah a lot?” I whispered to myself. Now, she does not know anything. Even holding a broom and dustpan, she can’t do it properly. I am thankful that she knows how to organize things, at least she knows how to do that. I know it is just a little thing for others but for Inah who grew up with a golden spoon in her mouth, it is a big accomplishment.

***

“Good morning.” I tried my best to lower the tone of my voice. Thank God I don’t have a natural sweet voice because for sure I will have a hard time if I do. My nervousness is eating my whole system right now. I hope this guard will not notice how trying hard I am o pretend as a boy.

“What do you need, Mister?”

“Mr. Castro.” I stretched my hands when I introduced myself as Mister Castro. I will be Ian Castro here at Heiberg University.

“Uh, I want to inquire if they are accepting exchange students from abroad.” I tried. I hope I can make it inside. And I hope it made sense.

“Sorry, Mr. Castro but I am not the one who is assigned to answer your questions. You may go directly to the registrar or directly to the dean’s secretary if she is there.” I almost jumped because of excitement.

“How can I go there? Can you teach me the way?” I hope he is kind enough to teach me the directions, I might get lost here. I am not good at directions, to be honest.

“Sorry, I can’t leave my post but you will not be lost there. You just need to follow this pathway then you will see a signboard on the main building going to the dean’s office.” I nodded and said my gratitude.

I can see the main building from here. That is the one that is displayed on the university’s website. This university is quite big. As far as I know, the dormitories of the student are at the back of the campus so this whole campus is quite huge.

Thankfully, there are a lot of trees so it is not that hot. I am walking under the tree’s shades because I don’t have any umbrellas with me. My gosh! I don’t want to have a sunburn because of the extreme heat from the sun. Thank God I put sunscreen before leaving the condo. I did not bring my car with me because I need to play as safely as possible.

I saw some students playing at the soccer field and there are some students that are just watching and talking with their friends. The population of this school is quite massive so I don’t know where I will start.

The main building is not far so I arrived as quickly as I can. The guard is right, there is an arrow pointing at the registrar and an arrow going upstairs to the dean’s office but to make sure, I asked the guard that is in front of the building’s glass door.

“Good morning.”

“Good morning sir, how may I help you?” I almost choked on my own saliva because he fucking called me sir. Shit, I definitely look like a man right now.

“Can I ask where is the way going to the dean’s office?”

“Uhm, do you have an appointment with the dean sir?” I shook my head. Gosh, what kind of dean he is that someone needs to schedule an appointment with him just to meet and talk to him?

“His secretary went out to do some things so I will call the dean if it’s okay if he will entertain a?”

“Exchange student sir,” I answered.

“Okay. I will ask him if it is okay if he will entertain an exchange student.” I nodded and waited for the dean’s decision. The guard called the dean and I heard him explain some things, that there is an exchange student here and so on and so fort.

It takes around five minutes before the guard faced me.

“You may now go in, sir. Just go to the next floor, you will easily spot the dean’s office because it is quite big.”

“Thank you.” I bid my thank you before going upstairs. I hope the dean is as kind as what I have imagined and I hope he will let me enroll even though the first semester is now ending.

I knocked at the door thrice before finally entering.

“Good morning sir!” I bowed a little to show my respect.

“Good morning, you may sit.” He pointed at the chair in front of his desk. I don’t know where to start, do I need to say my agenda that easily, or should I just pretend until I found Ababa?

“So you are an exchange student?” I nodded.

“From what country?”

“Paris, sir.” He nodded. “You can just call me dean.” I nodded again. I am trying my best not to speak as much as possible so that I will not have a hard time pretending to sound masculine.

“Do you have your papers with you?” Thank God I have a genius friend which I called yesterday. He fixed all these papers and he told me that it is easy. He just went to Recto, I don’t know that place but he told me that that place is known for creating fake documents so I just agreed. As long as I will not be in jail after this it is totally fine with me.

“You have nice credentials, Mr. Castro.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“You are well aware that the first semester is almost done. It will be hard for you to cope especially since you did not take the subjects of the first semester. Is it okay with you if we will just add some of the first semester subjects to your subject loads this upcoming semester?” My gosh, this is serious.

“Yes, it is totally fine with me. I already took some of those subjects before so it will not be as big of a problem.” He nodded.

“Okay, just bring your requirements tomorrow and you can attend the classes already. Ask about the requirements downstairs, just tell the registrar that you are an exchange student so that she will not ask you a lot of questions.” He looked at my papers once again before he give them back to me. I hope he did not sense that I am hiding something.

“Thank you, dean.”

“You’re welcome. Please enjoy your stay here at Heiberg University.”

“I will.” I smiled before leaving the room. I thought the process will be difficult thank God it is not. I am now asking for forgiveness, I lied so much today and I know I will lie more soon.

“Good morning, I am an exchange student, ma’am. Can I ask for the requirements that I need to comply with?” The registrar seems to be grumpy and strict so I am a little bit nervous. I feel like I am eighteen again, this feeling is familiar. The nervousness that the registrars give you, is very nostalgic.

The registrar did not bother to greet me back or to look up at me. She just slides a piece of paper in front of me and that’s it. I have the list of requirements.

“Thank you.” She did not even flinch or move. Wow, she is really grumpy. Now, you already have a nickname Miss Grumpy.

“Sheesh. This is a lot.” I need to call my friend again, I need him to fix these things.
I said my goodbye to the guard and I told him that we will see each other again tomorrow. He smiled at me and he even waved his hands when I walk away.

I was on my way out of the campus when someone approached me. My heart stopped beating for a second because I was shocked. He literally appeared in front of me out of a sudden. What do you want me to do? I was shocked.

“Are you a newbie?” I nodded. Gosh, is this the part where someone will punch and kick me until I leave the university? Is that it?

“Yeah, but I will start attending classes tomorrow.” I answered politely.

“Okay? I am not interested. I just asked you if you are a newbie. Too much info newbie.” He laughed then he leave me.

“Enjoy your stay, newbie.” He waved his hand and he left me hanging.

“What the fuck is that?” I whispered to myself.

I did not bother to look back, instead, I doubled my pace because it is freaking hot and I can feel my sweat dripping down my back. I am wearing a tube and a sando inside for fuck’s sake.

I almost run because the heat of the sun is burning my ski. My gosh! I spend a lot of beauty products for my skin to be as smooth and healthy as I want it to be then I will just walk under the heat of the sun. Stupid idea.

When the guard saw me he immediately asked me what happened to my agenda.

“Did you already talk with the dean?” He asked.

“Yes, I will come back tomorrow. I will start attending my classes tomorrow. Thank you for your help earlier.”

“No worries, it is part of our job. I hope you will enjoy your stay here at Heiberg University.” This guard is extra kind today, unlike yesterday.

“Thank you.” I waved my hand before walking across the street where I can find a taxi that will bring me to the Inovero Towers.

I hope I will enjoy my stay here in Heiberg