I'm in pain... Very bad...

Those were the first three words I said to myself when my eyelids opened: I feel like I've had them closed for a decade!

Where am I ?...

I feel like I'm lying on something cold and wet. I hear noise: it's a shrill and repetitive noise.

It looks like a mermaid...

Blue and red lights dance before my eyes. I see shadows moving around me, all dressed in white.

What's going on ? Who are these people ? What happened to me?...

I would like to know, but as soon as I try to remember the last hours that have just passed, nothing comes to mind: I don't remember anything!

I try to pay attention to what is happening before my eyes but it's as if my brain had completely let me go: I see everything in slow motion! Everything : the lights dancing and moving slowly, the shadows appearing then disappearing right next to me... It's beyond comprehension.

The pain I feel in my body is just unbearable: all my limbs make me suffer, all my muscles, the tiniest bit of my skin... This suffering is such that I even feel like I no longer feel it in fact: the degree of pain is at the limit of what should be bearable for man.

I see a shadow covering me with a kind of sheet which immediately warms me up: it's only now that I've just realized how cold I am. These same shadows continue to activate around me: they properly take care of my person with quick but precise gestures. They manage to move my body towards a kind of wheeled object, much more comfortable than what I had been lying on just before.

Despite the worrying state in which I find myself, I manage to intercept snippets of conversation: “What happened? ", "car accident", "two injured passengers, first victim", "the unconscious boy, large hematoma on the head and the crushed right hip", "the girl, several bruises on the head and on the forearm".

I wish I could ask them more, ask them for a little more information, but as soon as I try to speak, only incomprehensible words and sounds come out of my mouth. I try to turn my head to try to follow and understand what is happening but I am unable: I have the impression that my head weighs a ton!

That's when I feel something running down my temple. I try to look up to try to see what it is, but I can barely move my eyelids!

I then decide to touch this strange substance but a throbbing pain spins in my arm when I try to move it.

What it hurts!...

The substance continues to flow all the way down my forehead, it runs down my nose and onto my upper lip. I then take the idea of ​​tasting it: maybe thanks to the taste, I will be able to identify it since I am unable to use my other four senses. Getting my tongue out of my mouth costs me a superhuman effort but the moment my tongue tastes a drop of the substance, I immediately identify it.

Some blood. It's blood.

My own blood!...

Its metallic taste makes me gag and I want to vomit but instead I start coughing. Violently.

With each cough, I feel like my heart wants to eject from my body. With each additional fit of coughing, a slimy substance escapes from my throat.

I then see several people enter my field of vision. Together, they manage in less than a few minutes to calm me down, to clean the blood that had flowed from my mouth and which subsequently stained my clothes and thus, soothe this kind of mini-respiratory crisis that I have just come from. to have an oxygen mask on my face.

I am in pain ! I am deeply hurt !...

And suddenly, images, or rather memories, come to mind:

I'm in a car, sitting in the passenger seat.

We are driving at a good pace. I'm holding something in my hands that produces light but I can't remember what exactly. We are two in the vehicle: a driver and a passenger. I turn my head and vaguely identify a large silhouette: it's a boy, he's dark and has big, laughing green eyes.

He wears something black on him.

Noah !...

It's Noah! Besides ! My twin brother !

I remember everything now!...

At that time we were heading to Manhattan for a party for one of Noah's friends and he...

Oh my God !...

Is he also in the same state as me? Is that him I heard about earlier? If so, then why aren't these people also going to help him? What are they waiting for to help him too ? Faced with all this influx of unanswered questions, I start to panic slightly: I haven't heard from Noah and that's not normal!

Suddenly, I feel my eyelids suddenly become heavy: my sight, or what's left of it, begins to blur. Stains dance before my eyes, the lights merge into each other. I can no longer distinguish either the people or the things around me: they are nothing more than spots of color which seem to move strangely.

I'm about to lose consciousness....

But first, I absolutely want to know what happened to Noah.

I want to know: I have to know. Although the simple gesture makes me suffer like martyrdom, I grit my teeth and decide to turn my head towards a woman who is standing just to the right. I think I discern a sort of.... White blouse that she wears on her. She holds in her hands a sort of... black notebook in which she seems to write something down.

Could it be... A nurse? A paramedic? A doctor maybe?

I reach out to her and grab her blouse with my fingertip. I tug on it as hard as I can to get her attention and just as I had hoped, she turns her attention to me and brings her face closer to mine.

- Don't worry: everything will be fine. Don't worry. she told me.

No, listen to me: it's for my brother that I worry....

I raise my arm near my oxygen mask to try to free it from my mouth, but no sooner have I opened it than a violent fit of coughing seizes me again. I feel the awful metallic taste of blood in my mouth and in my throat. I start vomiting, spitting, salivating... I do everything to expel this horrible liquid from my body.

- Shit ! swears the paramedic at my side.

Helped by some of her colleagues, they help me lie down and try to put my oxygen mask back on, but I turn my head and refuse: I refuse to put it back on. Not until I tell them about Noah, not until they tell me what happened to his condition. The nurses try to force me to put it on, but I stubbornly persist in refusing: the only thing that matters to me is Noah. Him and him alone!

Suddenly, I feel like a kind of bubble has burst in my chest. I then open my mouth to breathe but instead, I choke: I miss the air! I try to grab my throat with my hands but I can't! I feel like my lungs are on fire and my throat is like stone! That no more air can pass through!

My already heavy eyelids threaten to close at any moment and at this moment, the last thoughts that I am able to formulate correctly, all go to Noah.

The paramedics finally manage to put me on the oxygen mask again and that's when I close my eyelids and sink into the sweet and unpredictable country that is unconsciousness.

Noah....I hope you are well....

***

I'm lying on something again but it's impossible for me to know what exactly: it's soft and hard at the same time. Also, I feel like my head is elevated and resting on a rather soft object.

In any case, one thing is certain: I am no longer in the ambulance. I'm no longer tossed around, the incessant flashing of lights and the annoying shrill sound of the siren are both gone. I have no idea where I am now: I just remember the ambulance, my respiratory crisis, the oxygen mask and after...

It's a complete black hole.

I feel the light on my closed eyelids. They must be powerful neon lights. I also smell a smell of clean and disinfectant everywhere in the room and also, a kind of long object implanted in my forearm, as well as a kind of thin fabric that covers my naked body. It is a light and very fine fabric. The clothes I wore before seem to have disappeared.

No more siren, blinding light, light fabric...

I am at the hospital.

It's so obvious that I don't understand why I didn't understand it sooner.

Suddenly the door opens. Several people enter the room because I hear several footsteps on the tinsel floor.

- Oh my God ! exclaims a voice muffled by sobs.

What ? What is it ? What is going on ?...

I try to open my eyes to see these strangers but it's as if a huge anvil had been placed on my eyelids: I can't open them. Ditto for my other members: I am unable to move them. I am completely paralyzed!

Tears ?...

It's crying that I hear. They are muffled by strange noises: it sounds like someone blowing their nose.

- It's horrible ! exclaims the same voice as before. How...?! How could this happen to you?! Happen to both of you?!

- Mr and Mrs MacGregor, I am sorry that you have to see your daughter in this state, but I assure you that my team and I are doing everything we can to treat her.

Dad ? Mom ?...

- I hear what you're saying, doctor, but it's our daughter who's here! Our daughter ! exclaims the deep voice of my father.

- I completely understand, sir, continues the doctor, and I assure you that she is in good hands. Do you want me to take stock of his condition?

- Do so. says my mother in a quavering voice.

- GOOD ! So your daughter has different hematomas on her head with more or less severity, her forearm is fractured in multiple places as well as the entire pelvis area. His spine also has some slight cracks but nothing too alarming. She also suffers from several cuts in certain places of the body with more or less seriousness, some contusions on the lip, on the right temple, on the left eye as well as on the right cheek. His lungs were also affected: we detected the presence of a clot but, fortunately, we were able to treat it just in time. She also suffers from trauma to her right leg: the femur bone is slightly broken.

I hear a muffled sound: like the sound of a notebook being slammed shut.

- I have just briefly explained to you the various wounds and lesions presented by Muzelina and as you have been able to realize they are rather worrying.

I hear him clear his throat.

Doesn't bode well here....

- Particularly a few particular areas of his brain. That is why...

- That is why ? urges my father.

- This is why, he continues finally, we have seen fit to place her in an artificial coma to allow her to recover better.

I hear my parents holding their breath, visibly shocked to hear this news.

In a coma... I'm in a coma....

- I know that all this is upsetting for you but as I told you, my whole team and I are doing our best to allow your daughter to recover as quickly as possible. Do you have any questions ?

- Will... Will she ever walk again? ventures to ask my mother.

- Yes of course ! exclaims the doctor. The spine is affected but not the spinal cord: so yes! She will walk again with no problem.

I hear the relief in my parents' voices. And she is communicative: finally some good news!

- However, he continues, to be completely frank with you, it all depends on her and the state of her brain. If the latter is affected and the motor cortex, the cortex that manages our motor skills is also affected...

- She might not walk anymore, right? asks my father from where one feels the growing anxiety.

- No no ! the doctor reassures him. But his chances will be divided that's for sure.

What ?! ...

Wait, let's agree: I'm in an artificial coma , I have many fractures , many bruises , many contusions , a bloody clot in my lungs or whatever and I have to no only to get stuck with a concussion with more or less damage to my brain and in addition I have to get used to the idea that I might never walk again one day?!

It's a hidden camera! Yes it's probably a big joke orchestrated by my relatives to scare me!....

No, even better: it's a nightmare. Yes , this is all just a fucking nightmare and I will soon emerge from it. Yes, I will wake up! I will wake up !

- You have more questions ? again asks the doctor in charge of my case.

- Yes. We would like to see our son Noah.

- Oh, yes: the second victim of the accident! Of course: I will even accompany you!

What ?! No no: wait!...

I hear the footsteps of the doctor as well as those of my parents moving towards the outside of the room. Far from me. But close to Noah.

Wait ! Wait, please!....

The door opens and closes just as quickly, just as brutally.

Wait for me... Wait for me, please....

No more noise echoes in the room. It is empty now.

I too want to know what happened to Noah....

***

Do you know what it's like to be lying on a bed, in a completely inert body, a completely disconnected brain, yet your mind and your thoughts still going on?

Well ! You are very lucky: because that is exactly what is happening to me! They deliberately disconnected my entire body except for my entire heart system, which keeps me alive. Apart from that, nothing is in perfect working order and despite that, I am still able to use my mind and to think, hear, feel... I wonder

if all the people who are or who have one day been in the same situation as me are have all been able to feel the same things as me.

The days follow one another and look alike: they make me eat via the infusion implanted in my arm and they also give me a whole lot of medicine precisely via this same infusion. They wash me, they clean me as well as they can.

I think I'm right if I say they don't do it happily: nurses have to. It's their job and then no doubt the doctor will have put pressure on them, but they do it anyway and that's why I am enormously grateful to them.

The more they take care of me, the sooner I will recover and the sooner I will open my eyes....

After I don't know how many days, the door opens but I know it's not not a nurse because I succeeded, after a certain amount of knowledge, in distinguishing and differentiating the times during which they come to visit me. It is true that I no longer have any notion of time, but I have managed to notice a few signs: for example, the person who has just returned has not exclaimed:

- "Hello Muzelina! It's a beautiful day ahead, isn't it?"

And what's more, the door opened very slowly, as if the person was afraid of waking me up. I don't find this type of attention at all among the nurses: when they come in, the door opens wide and starts to creak, which is a rather unpleasant sound for my little ears.

And in addition, they carry on them this horrible smell of disinfectant....

Whereas this newcomer carries on her a completely different scent.

Jasmine, cinnamon and a slight tangy note with a zest of lemony scent....

I could recognize this perfume among a thousand: as a child when I had fun putting my head in his neck, this mixture of scents had horribly irritated my nose.

Even today it seems...

- Hello Muza darling. It's me mom.

Yes I know it's you mom ....

I hear her drop something on the floor, probably her purse, and hear her sit down on a chair next to me.

- I don't know if you hear me honey, she said after taking a long breath, but know that I wanted to tell you that I love you and that I will always love you no matter what.

I hear her sniffle: I know instinctively that she is trying to hold back the cry.

- The last few days have really not been easy. she says. Neither for you, nor for the members of the family and even less for your father and me. I think I still haven't been able to sleep a wink for over seventy-two hours now.

She takes another deep breath.

- If your eyes were open, you would tell me not to worry, to rest but I can't Muza: I can't! To see my two children, my two babies, the flesh of my flesh... In this state...

She stops, the time to dry the tears which must undoubtedly roll continuously on her cheeks.

- It's just unbearable. she finished, reaching out her hand to mine and placing it gently on it. Especially since... Somewhere, somewhere , I feel guilty, so guilty: it was I who pushed you, who convinced you to leave when you had refused and... I should have seen that as a sign and I got stubborn and... Forgive me darling! Forgive me !

She bursts into tears but curiously her tears are silent and that's what had the effect of breaking my heart: the silent, almost palpable pain that my mother feels at this moment frightens me and makes me so sad! The silent pains are, to my taste, the deepest and the most difficult to heal since you don't really know how far they extend, how much the person is in pain.

You don't have to blame yourself mum: it's an accident, it's not your fault!....

I would love to be able to tell him that out loud! To be able to hold her in my arms, to be able to erase her remorse and soothe her pain! I would like so much !

But unfortunately I can't....

A few days later, my mother came to visit me again, but this time she wanted to show me something, or rather, make me listen to something.

- "Hello Muza".

I immediately recognized the small voice of my little brother.

Benjamin....

- "Are you still asleep?" he asks from the height of his four years. "Mom says it's because, you need a rest from...Because of your accident so I hope you're feeling better Muza!" I want to do lots of things with you! I want to finish building my Lego fire tower ! And the princess tower too that you had when you were four like me! I want us to play space battle! Finish telling me the story of The Lion King ! I want to do lots of things. Redo everything. Like before, because... Because I miss you. I miss you and Noah”.

This is where the recording stops.

If my body could have allowed me to cry to expel all the sadness I feel, I would have done it a long time ago....

- So. says my mother. I also played the same message to Noah. You are not alone Muza: there is a whole family impatiently awaiting your return. So heal quickly and come back. Come back to real life. Come back to us, come back to us.

Don't worry mom: I'll get there. I will be able to recover from this fucking coma....

Promised.