Just as Becca suggested, we all hung out together. It was good and somewhat awkward.

Leo came with his scary girlfriend Amara, who seems to cling to him all the time and when our eyes meet, she gives me a wicked grin then snuggle closer to Leo who seem oblivious to what she’s doing.

I don’t like her and I don’t see what will make me.

I invited Chris so I just don’t have to bear Amara rubbing it on my face how close she can get with Leo, she is getting on my nerves but if she thinks she would bring something out of me by acting that way then she isn’t aware of who I really am.

I am not like that, no matter how jealous I can be, I would never let her make me react in ways that will make everyone question me. Especially when I have assured everyone and tried to tell myself that I am not that affected by how close she gets to him, I will never let myself act badly to her or anyone.

We were playing Awale in our living room and team A which is my team that consist of Becca, Daniel, Chris and me were wining against team B which had Leo, Amara, Elle and a guy friend she told me she had been talking to for a while.

I noticed that the juice box we agreed to drink with our snacks remained just one and to avoid debate on who gets it, I offered to bring us more from the kitchen.

“I’ll go with you” Leo said and I stopped in my tracks to see him already on his feet, walking to me. My eyes went to Amara who had an amazed look playing on her face with a little smile on her lips.

I wasn’t quite sure why she looked that way but as I said before and would keep saying, I will not let my guard loose around her and would do all I could to avoid problems with her.

Leo was already in the kitchen by the time I turned around so I went inside the kitchen too.

I am certain that everyone could feel how tensed or uneasy Amara made me feel and with the look she was giving me… oh GOD! No, I can’t deal with that. I feel that look might mean that she was daring me to make a move on Leo or probably do something that would justify whatever actions she has in mind on taking against me.

I don’t know, I am just thinking… wondering.

I think Leo caught up with how far I was from what we were supposed to do because he asked if I was okay.

“Yeah, I am” I smile when I look up at him and went ahead to grab two cartons of juice box from the store to replace what we took. “How are things with you?” I asked trying to divert my thoughts from wandering to him and Amara being together.

It’s not healthy for me.

“Things are going well,” he said and I was happy truly for him.

At least he can get his shit together, unlike me.

“I think I and Amara’s relationship might slowly improve” he said and two of the juice boxes I was going to put in the fridge, fell from my hold.

Improving? Improve? Relationship improvement? He really wants to go ahead and make things work for them both. Is that how much he loves her? What exactly has she done for him that would make him want to work things out with her and looking forward to a future for them?

‘What you were unable to do for him’… I heard my subconscious say to me and my heart stopped beating for some seconds before they started beating again and leaving my legs warm and my hands cold from fear of what is already happening.

It can’t be.

“Are you okay, Ella?” he stood in front of me with the usual worry his face held whenever something is the matter with me.

I look at him and tried, I tried so hard to let the smile show on my face but I couldn’t, it tried to show that I wasn’t that affected by what he just said but I couldn’t. Maybe I can’t hold my feelings in like I told myself that I could

“Ella?” he touched my arm and I snapped out it then that smile that stayed hidden spread across my lips.

“Yeah, yes, I am fine” I bent and picked the juice box from the floor then put them in the fridge.

Leo was still standing beside me so I smile at him and turned to face him.

“What’s up? I am glad that things are working with you guys, truly” I said, the smile not waiving from my lips.

His brows were furrowed as they watched me and I wondered what was going on in his head then he spoke after a moment of watching me.

“So, you’re happy that I and Amara will be together and our relationship will grow stronger?” he laughed nastily and shook his head “Then you can go ahead and be with Chris?” he shook his head again and looks away from me “You will always pick him over me whether or not I am available”

To say that I was shocked with what he said would be an understatement. What does he mean by that? Yes, I did pick Chris then but here he is telling me that he wants to actually work things out with Amara, me trying to be a good friend decides to support him and he is saying another thing, what’s the matter? Because I don’t know.

“Excuse me? Aren’t you the one who just told me about a minute ago that you and Amara want to work things out?” I asked in confusion.

“That means you don’t care whether or not I still want to be with you” he said.

I just looked at him because words aren’t really enough to explain the conflict, I am having with myself now. What exactly does he mean with all the accusing words he is throwing at me?

“Leo, I don’t understand what’s going on” I said my mind.

“Yeah, you don’t” he shook his head and grabbed the tray that had the juice box he packed into.

“Leo, wait” I stopped him and he paused from leaving. “I am trying to be a supportive friend here, you told me you guys are still trying to figure things out and your relationship is improving. I am being as supportive as you were towards me and Chris relationship, even though you didn’t approve of it”

I moved closer to him then touched his shoulder which tensed, I removed my hand and let it fall to my side.

“I… Leo, I don’t understand what you are trying to bring out with blaming me for not caring…” I shook my head, my brows were furrowed and my mouth couldn’t bring the words out of my throat. “I really don’t know what you want me to do, I am… I don’t know Leo” I said and he turns to look at me while I took a step backward.

“Show me that you care. Act like you care, whether or not you do. Let me know that you still want me around and I am not someone that you can make as a second choice no matter what”

My heart leapt, my hands were shaking, my palms are sweating and I am in a state of confusion of what exactly he wants.

I am not sure if he wants to actually work things out with his girlfriend or want to be with me. It’s confusing me now.

“I do care Leo but at the same time, I am respecting the fact that you’re still in a relationship and I don’t want to be the one that comes in between you both” I looked away from him and hugged myself. “If you guys are going to split, it should be by your terms and not just because I came in between”

“So, you aren’t going to try to fight for me?” he asked, I turned to look at him and frowned at what he said.

“You never fought for me, you cowardly left when you couldn’t get a hold of the situation anymore” I accused and I could see anger flash through his eyes.

“Oh, I am the coward now? I am not the one who was too scared to lose her friend that she had to keep her true feelings to herself even when I made it clear to you, countless times” he accused back and that sparked some kind of annoyance in me.

I pointed to his chest with fury looking eyes. “I am not the coward” I said.

‘You are’ I could hear my subconscious scream in my head but I am not about to admit that to him, that could only fuel his ego, that’s if he grew any in those years he was away.

“You couldn’t even stand up to your dad and tell him enough of the bullying and negative words he threw at you, rather you just took them in because you felt pathetic that your dad couldn’t love you as you wa-” he stopped because my palm had already connected with his cheek.

I didn’t even have the time to think of what I had just done, so to avoid any form of unwanted questions that might arise on why I slapped Leo, I turned around to leave but I stopped since my siblings, friends and Amara were already gathering by the door.

I felt so little, scared and embarrassed that they had to witness that so without thinking much, I ran in their direction but went past them and up to my room so that I lock myself and reflect on how wrong I was for slapping Leo.

As much as I don’t want to admit it, he was right, I am a coward but a low budget one, I am so scared that I couldn’t even stand up to defend myself. All the while it had been people helping me to clean up after terrible things happened to me but I never ever had the mind to stand up and say ‘It was enough’.

He was right, I am a coward and I shouldn’t have slapped him.

“Oh GOD, what is happening to me?” I covered my face with my palm and sobbed in them.