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***

It's been three years since that incident with my dad happened and... what can I say? It still feels like it happened yesterday.

These past years were the most frustrating, heartbreaking, soul-wrecking, annoying... years for us all. Especially mum.

I can see how hard she tries to keep it all in with the traumatizing thing dad did to me when I was younger and three years ago.

It's not something that is easy to accept and let go of... it is time-consuming with you trying to accept that it all happened so that you can move on from it.

Even what happened with Chris... I just can't.

Mum couldn't believe that dad would go all the way to do that to his own flesh and blood... all the bullying, the unnecessary dislike, the kidnap, the mental stress it caused us all.

It's just too much to handle.

Even when he was finally convicted, he still tried to kill me and he wouldn't give reasons as to why he wanted to do so...it hurts so bad and I don't know how or what to feel anymore.

Mum has been telling us that she is fine over and over again and that we shouldn't worry about her but just concentrate on school.

Daniel gained admission the same year it happened and he wanted to drop it and concentrate on the family but mum told him not to hold himself back so that is why he accepted and began university here in Lagos.

I was seeing a therapist after the incident because the nightmares started again and it was about how dad wanted to shoot me and other evil things I don't wish to remember.

In reality, it was Chris who took the bullet, but it always ends up with me being shot or something worse happening to me, like being pushed from a tall building and it always leaves me crying, breathless, and scared.

I feel still feel that another storm will be coming and it will push me really hard to the ground... I might not have the strength to keep up but GOD will help me.

My mum, siblings, Becca, and her family has been so supportive.

When those things happened and it was too much for me to handle, mum had no choice but to have me home-schooled and that was after I missed a term in school due to restlessness.

Daniella wanted to be with me in that but I told her what mum told Daniel, 'don't hold back' that is why she is a year ahead of me in the university.

I am just grateful for the people around me and the grace to be alive... it isn't easy but by GOD's grace I will come out victorious.

Like mum says every time.

Dad is still in prison and I really wanted to see him and talk with him. There are so many questions I wanted to ask him, so many things that I want to know, so many things that still make me sad and keep me thinking every other night since that incident.

I remember the reaction I got from mum when I told her that I wanted to visit him, she was scared and horrified of what might happen if he sets his eyes on me again so she forbids that thought from my head.

I never bring it up again but that doesn't mean that I still don't want to see or talk things out with him. I just need an answer, an explanation of his actions, and hope to not just judge him based on what he did to me.

Maybe because I crave so much for his attention and approval, that is why I felt this way.

Maybe that's why Leo left and isn't talking to me... no matter the message I sent to him, he never replies to any and I am not sure if he reads them or not.

Chris is amazing but I need my best friend with me... he can't understand some terms that Leo and I understand and during the time we were dating, I didn't want to let him in on some things, even when I kept convincing myself that I liked him a lot, which was the truth.

Still, it didn't feel like when Leo was around.

I am selfish, I was selfish for wanting the guy who wanted and accepted me for me and never fails to tell me how much he cares for me anytime he gets to myself when I felt for and wanted to be with another.

Those were things I don't feel proud of and I am wishing that he would just appear out of wherever he chose to stay, knock at my door, hug me and we can talk about what happened.

My siblings said they tried contacting Leo during those challenging times I was facing but he never replied to them either so he was just avoiding all of us in general.

Therapy seems to have worked-ish.

I say that because I don't really go to therapy, rather it was like a get to know more about GOD and learn to talk to him about your problems therapy.

It helped, just the nightmares that seem never to end. I still see them to date but they come at intervals which I consider okay-ish for someone recovering from 'Childhood Trauma'.

My therapist taught me how to talk to GOD about my issues... I am still yet to receive answers as to when Leo would finally show face but like she said... patience.

Just like what mum would say too but... I lack patience so I am working on having patience.

Elle would sometimes come with me when she doesn't have school work packed up for her but I told her that she didn't need to come because of me since I am also learning to stand on my own and for myself.

It is working... all of it but the nightmare might take some time to wear out but it needs time.

I guess three years isn't enough time then.

Sighs!

We all go to the same school, but I am done with lectures for the day that is why I am home already and I am really hungry so I am just going to go downstairs to fix myself something to eat.

After I changed my clothing, I went out of my room and then to the kitchen so that I can prepare something that I can eat now.

I checked the fridge and saw bread, so I settle on bread, eggs, and juice.

Simple. Simple. Simple.

Just as I took the bread out of the fridge and the eggs that I wanted to use, the bell rang so I stilled a bit and took in deep breaths then slowly let them out.

"Dad has been put away for a really long time, so it can't be him," I tell myself so that I can calm down.

Now, I think I am not actually ready to meet him yet.

I carried omorogu, and headed for the door in slow steps.

'Nothing is going to happen, you are good' I kept chanting those words within as I reached the door.

Letting out another deep breath of air, I placed my hand on the door handle, unlocked the door, and slowly open the door to find an already older version of a man I most of the time think about.

His lips wore a huge grin, he had a buttoned-up white t-shirt that was rolled at each arm with black slacks and a pair of sneakers with a bouquet of flowers in his hand.

Opening the door dully with a little furrow on my brows, I crossed my hands and said what was in my mind at the moment.

"What are you doing here Chris?"

***

Omorogu is tunner, a wooden spoon.